Sleepless night! Thought I'd make a castle of cards today. Took out the pack of cards from the drawer in my cupboard, opened the pack and spilled the deck on the table in the living room. I glanced at the door of my parents' room - just wanted to make sure they were asleep. I wanted to do this alone - no sound, no interruptions. I'd make a big one today, with the base of 7 going all the way up to 1 where I'll hoist an imaginary victory flag!
I cleared the table. The castle couldn't be made with any wind from any direction, so I got up to ensure that the windows were tightly shut. It was a moderate spring night so the fan wasn't required to be switched on, but, me being the lazy ass that I am, decided I couldn't get up in the middle of my labor on the castle to switch on the fan, so I settled by switching on a fan that was a little further away from the acres of land that I cleared for the castle. For obvious reasons, I couldn't switch on the fan directly above my castle.
With everything in place, I began. I pulled the spill-over of the deck with my right palm to the right side of the table towards me. Oddly, I searched for the queen in deck and kept her aside. The queen will reign. She deserved the highest honor and would sit pretty at the top of the castle. I pulled two cards at random from the deck and arranged them in a triangular shape with their tips touching and bases wide apart. As soon as I placed it on the table, I realized if I was planning to go big, I better arrange the stack in a way that used 4 cards to make one triangular shape, two on either edge. Figuring the current deck might not suffice, I fetched another deck from the small rack on the left hand corner of the living room. I opened the second deck and threw the cards carefully over the older ones and then it began.
Now I took four cards at a time and started building triangular structures one after the other. The first tier was not a big deal to complete. I lay a sheet of two cards one stacked above the other between the tips of successive triangles. This was to be the base for the second tier. I delved into arranging the cards carefully to an extent where my mind started wandering but my hands knew the job at hand. As I kept picking up cards, instances from my life started flashing at the back of my mind. What if I'd been a touch more careful in building a stronger base, such as for this castle, for my educational well-being, could I have been in a better place? I was half-way through to the second tier - three triangles done, three more to go. But I'm not at the worst place, am I? Five triangles done and I picked up another four cards, took two in each hand and went for the last triangle to get done with the second tier. I bent forward and stacked the cards in exactly the way I had done with the others. Second tier completed!
I went ahead to lay the base on top of the second tier for the third one. What was going wrong? Most of the people around me seemed to have a better life than me. Was it something that I was doing wrong? What was it that they seemed to have figured out, but the answer was not so obvious to me? I began with the third tier. It was getting tricky now. I had be extra cautious with every card I placed, the pressure I put while placing the cards and even my breath. I placed the first triangle very carefully and ever so slowly withdrew my hand.
I decide to take another step of precaution and switch off the only fan in the room. Stood up slowly and switched it off. I stood near the switch board and looked at my half-built castle. Still half-way through, but it looked good. If people lived in it now, they wouldn't be very comfortable, but, they should realize it was just half-done! They'd love it when it would complete. Maybe I was pushing myself too much too early. After all, it was a start of my life as well. Yes I wasn't born with a silver spoon, but so what? Maybe I'll have to slog for what other people get served on a silver platter. That being said, I'd be able to appreciate and savor my small victories. Happiness was indeed relative!
I came back, sat on my throne and resumed. Ever so carefully and ever so gently, I placed the next two triangles. Two more and this tier would be done. Residents of the castle would feel better then. When I picked up the next set of four cards, I noticed my hand started quivering a little. Steadying it, I placed the next triangle. I thought the end of my left wrist touched the triangle on the left and it moved slightly. The heartbeat rose a little but then fortunately, no damage was done. I could get through it. No doubt times were tough and they might get worse, but, I'll get through it and in the end, I'll have story to boast about. Slowly but surely, with all the patience that I could muster in the middle of the night, I completed the third tier!
To enjoy this small success, I went to the kitchen and poured myself half a glass of juice. After gulping the glass in two sips, I came back and laid the base for the next tier. Starting the fourth tier, and starting to feel a little dizzy now, I wished I could keep it this way for the night and resume the next day, but, I had to finish what I started. The first two triangles of the fourth tier had to be put so carefully that after I finished arranging the second one, my heart was thumping and I had to make a strong effort to prevent my hand from shaking, but, I dint want to stop. I couldn't stop. How could I? I had to finish it! I felt responsible. Feeling the eyelids go a little heavier, I started with the third triangle. The next two were worse. The fear of failure after coming this far kept my complacency in check. I couldn't afford to lose patience now. So close yet so far!
As the fourth finished, I leaned back on the sofa, my arms folded, I started feeling if all this effort worth it? I could have slept peacefully and snored my way to glory. But then I saw the queen of hearts lying on one side. Well, if nothing else, I had to do it for the queen. I found my motivation. Isn't that what I really needed to get over my phobia for life? A motivation at every instant that kept pushing me? I figured if I wasn't getting a motivation, maybe I was looking for it in the wrong place. It'll be a good thing to ponder over after I finish what was in front of me. I savored the 4-tier castle for a minute with arms crossed around the chest and then picked up the cards to lay the base on top of it. As I stretched my right hand, I felt a drop of sweat trailing down from the back of my head, crawling down behind my right ear. Right arm still stretched on top of the castle, I tilted my head to wipe that drop of sweat against my shoulder and in that moment of leniency, my right arm did just a little more than what I would've wanted it to. The tips of the fingers facing down at the top of the castle pressed just hard enough on top to bring my castle crashing down!
For a brief instant, I felt a chill and despair, my heart was in my mouth, my hands still on top of the ruins of the castle and strange enough, that anxiety vaporized as fast as it came. I found myself smiling - a wry smile. I felt my mind getting a little lighter than what it was before I began. Well, I did get a lot of answers. I had come across a possible course I could take. In the midst of this charade that we've been calling life, I had found good 30-35 minutes to reflect upon myself. I'll eventually get there and I'll have the queen where she belongs but maybe today was just not the day. The stage for finally set for a nice sleep. It might not be particularly snore-y but I know I'll wake up with a clearer head.
Prateek Taneja
I cleared the table. The castle couldn't be made with any wind from any direction, so I got up to ensure that the windows were tightly shut. It was a moderate spring night so the fan wasn't required to be switched on, but, me being the lazy ass that I am, decided I couldn't get up in the middle of my labor on the castle to switch on the fan, so I settled by switching on a fan that was a little further away from the acres of land that I cleared for the castle. For obvious reasons, I couldn't switch on the fan directly above my castle.
With everything in place, I began. I pulled the spill-over of the deck with my right palm to the right side of the table towards me. Oddly, I searched for the queen in deck and kept her aside. The queen will reign. She deserved the highest honor and would sit pretty at the top of the castle. I pulled two cards at random from the deck and arranged them in a triangular shape with their tips touching and bases wide apart. As soon as I placed it on the table, I realized if I was planning to go big, I better arrange the stack in a way that used 4 cards to make one triangular shape, two on either edge. Figuring the current deck might not suffice, I fetched another deck from the small rack on the left hand corner of the living room. I opened the second deck and threw the cards carefully over the older ones and then it began.
Now I took four cards at a time and started building triangular structures one after the other. The first tier was not a big deal to complete. I lay a sheet of two cards one stacked above the other between the tips of successive triangles. This was to be the base for the second tier. I delved into arranging the cards carefully to an extent where my mind started wandering but my hands knew the job at hand. As I kept picking up cards, instances from my life started flashing at the back of my mind. What if I'd been a touch more careful in building a stronger base, such as for this castle, for my educational well-being, could I have been in a better place? I was half-way through to the second tier - three triangles done, three more to go. But I'm not at the worst place, am I? Five triangles done and I picked up another four cards, took two in each hand and went for the last triangle to get done with the second tier. I bent forward and stacked the cards in exactly the way I had done with the others. Second tier completed!
I went ahead to lay the base on top of the second tier for the third one. What was going wrong? Most of the people around me seemed to have a better life than me. Was it something that I was doing wrong? What was it that they seemed to have figured out, but the answer was not so obvious to me? I began with the third tier. It was getting tricky now. I had be extra cautious with every card I placed, the pressure I put while placing the cards and even my breath. I placed the first triangle very carefully and ever so slowly withdrew my hand.
I decide to take another step of precaution and switch off the only fan in the room. Stood up slowly and switched it off. I stood near the switch board and looked at my half-built castle. Still half-way through, but it looked good. If people lived in it now, they wouldn't be very comfortable, but, they should realize it was just half-done! They'd love it when it would complete. Maybe I was pushing myself too much too early. After all, it was a start of my life as well. Yes I wasn't born with a silver spoon, but so what? Maybe I'll have to slog for what other people get served on a silver platter. That being said, I'd be able to appreciate and savor my small victories. Happiness was indeed relative!
I came back, sat on my throne and resumed. Ever so carefully and ever so gently, I placed the next two triangles. Two more and this tier would be done. Residents of the castle would feel better then. When I picked up the next set of four cards, I noticed my hand started quivering a little. Steadying it, I placed the next triangle. I thought the end of my left wrist touched the triangle on the left and it moved slightly. The heartbeat rose a little but then fortunately, no damage was done. I could get through it. No doubt times were tough and they might get worse, but, I'll get through it and in the end, I'll have story to boast about. Slowly but surely, with all the patience that I could muster in the middle of the night, I completed the third tier!
To enjoy this small success, I went to the kitchen and poured myself half a glass of juice. After gulping the glass in two sips, I came back and laid the base for the next tier. Starting the fourth tier, and starting to feel a little dizzy now, I wished I could keep it this way for the night and resume the next day, but, I had to finish what I started. The first two triangles of the fourth tier had to be put so carefully that after I finished arranging the second one, my heart was thumping and I had to make a strong effort to prevent my hand from shaking, but, I dint want to stop. I couldn't stop. How could I? I had to finish it! I felt responsible. Feeling the eyelids go a little heavier, I started with the third triangle. The next two were worse. The fear of failure after coming this far kept my complacency in check. I couldn't afford to lose patience now. So close yet so far!
As the fourth finished, I leaned back on the sofa, my arms folded, I started feeling if all this effort worth it? I could have slept peacefully and snored my way to glory. But then I saw the queen of hearts lying on one side. Well, if nothing else, I had to do it for the queen. I found my motivation. Isn't that what I really needed to get over my phobia for life? A motivation at every instant that kept pushing me? I figured if I wasn't getting a motivation, maybe I was looking for it in the wrong place. It'll be a good thing to ponder over after I finish what was in front of me. I savored the 4-tier castle for a minute with arms crossed around the chest and then picked up the cards to lay the base on top of it. As I stretched my right hand, I felt a drop of sweat trailing down from the back of my head, crawling down behind my right ear. Right arm still stretched on top of the castle, I tilted my head to wipe that drop of sweat against my shoulder and in that moment of leniency, my right arm did just a little more than what I would've wanted it to. The tips of the fingers facing down at the top of the castle pressed just hard enough on top to bring my castle crashing down!
For a brief instant, I felt a chill and despair, my heart was in my mouth, my hands still on top of the ruins of the castle and strange enough, that anxiety vaporized as fast as it came. I found myself smiling - a wry smile. I felt my mind getting a little lighter than what it was before I began. Well, I did get a lot of answers. I had come across a possible course I could take. In the midst of this charade that we've been calling life, I had found good 30-35 minutes to reflect upon myself. I'll eventually get there and I'll have the queen where she belongs but maybe today was just not the day. The stage for finally set for a nice sleep. It might not be particularly snore-y but I know I'll wake up with a clearer head.
Prateek Taneja
